Sazh Needs to Get Laid: Looking for Love
by Pen Journey
Summary: Sazh wins a contest. Wierd things happen after.


**A/N: Hey everyone, Journey here. Warning to all of you: This story is wierd. **

**I'm a little afraid of it, since I kinda lost interest half-way. It also steadily gets worse in my opinion. XD**

**Regardless, this is a one-shot I made when talking to PoMPyromancer, blame him for how this story turns out.**

**Looking for Love**

* * *

Sazh never knew how it happened, but somehow, he had won a contest.

It was a nice and warm saturday afternoon, when the mail arrived. Right on schedule, and part of his daily routine, Sazh went to his computer to check the bundle of mail that the Sanctum delivers once a month. As usual, the majority of each file was a bill. The fal'Cie provided food, water, shelter, and energy to all humans throughout Cocoon, but it wasn't free.

After deleting a few uninteresting spam and other useless files, Sazh spied the last e-mail sent to him. Unlike the others, it wasn't from the Sanctum. Taking a more in depth look, Sazh couldn't even find who had sent the e-mail. He clicked on the file, and his screen flashed a bright white, while a hologram was projected before him. A scaled down version of a virtual Moogle floated in front of Sazh, the small winged creature dancing around him until it decided to deliver its message.

"Hello, Sazh Katzroy! We here at the Love TV network wish to congratulate you. You've won!"

The middle-aged man scratched the back of his head, obviously confused as to what's happening.

"I won, huh? Well, it better not be some cookies! I've already been scammed once out of those girls and I won't be tricked again, you hear me?"

The floating Moogle paid no heed to Sazh's response. It simply continued to dance over and over again, obviously programmed to loop, Sazh assumed.

"You've been chosen to appear on our show: _Old, Alone, and Loveless_! Congratulations! Out of 578,842,110 candidates, you're the lucky man/woman to appear on our show!"

After being thoroughly insulted by the floating computer image, Sazh felt like he had heard enough of what the Moogle was telling him. While most people would be excited to appear on a television show, Sazh was utterly disturbed. Thing is, he never recalled actually registering to become a candidate for that show.

"We here at _Old, Alone, and Loveless_, believe that with the help of top love experts and our own handpicked guru's we can find the lucky man/woman to be the love of your life! After picking you, Sazh Katzroy, we poured through the illegally obtained personal files of thousands of people in Cocoon, to successfully find your match. We're so confident that us here at _Old, Alone, and Loveless, _can find the love of your life, that we'll even give you 10,000 gil after the lucky man/woman has been chosen!"

Moments away from outright deleting the file, Sazh stopped for a moment, cursor hovering over the delete button. The message sounded fishy enough, but the show was real. Surfing through late night television shows had Sazh watching the channel for a brief for seconds for clicking the button again. Plus, the 10,000 gil prize sounded very tempting.

What's so bad about it? He goes onto the show, chooses a fairly nice looking girl and then takes his money. If this girl actually is the love of his life, than that's just an extra perk! What could possibly go wrong?

"Tonight, please head over to the location disclosed below. Remember, come alone, and with no weapons please! You do not need to go out of your way to look good, as our professionally trained makeup artists will be there to give you a star shocking look! Once more, from your friends at the Love TV network on the widely popular television show, _Old, Alone, and Loveless_, want to congratulate you and wish you good luck on your journey to find that special someone in your lonely, depressed life!"

The hologram Moogle went static and blurry for a moment, before vanishing entirely. Copying down the address on a slip of paper, Sazh left his computer. Locking the door as he left his house, Sazh went off to receive his prize.

_10,000 gil here I come!_

* * *

"Wake up, Mr. Katzroy."

Sazh stirred in his seat, opening his worn out, age-old eyes. Wherever he was, it was pitch black. A single, bright light was focused on him, originating somewhere above him. It provided no further illumination, unable to pierce through the sightless void around him. Attempting to move, Sazh found himself thoroughly restrained to the arms of the wooden chair. He scanned his surroundings, still unable to see around him, and shook his head in a vain attempt to remove the drunken haze from his head.

Upon arrival to the given address, Sazh discovered that the studio looked more like an abandoned warehouse on the edge of the city limits. When he finally found an entrance, he had felt a strong pressure on his head and neck, and collapsed to the floor.

Now, he was strapped into a chair, in a dark room.

Of course he'd freak out.

"H-hey! What the hell is going on here?"

Sazh spoke fast and struggled against the restraints. Nope, he wasn't going anywhere. His legs were restrained as well, to ensure that Sazh would stay put.

He heard the sound of a lever being pushed down, and a single beam of light a few feet in front of Sazh revealed a small television set.

"What, you want me to watch tv or something? You freaks better not try anything funny!"

"Quite the contrary, Mr. Katzroy. Nothing funny will be experienced."

The tv buzzed and came to life. The first thing Sazh noticed was the terrible picture quality. He came to the conclusion that this television set had to be as old as he was. The second thing he noticed was the grotesque, small face on the tv. It looked like a puppet of some kind, with large innocent looking red eyes. Paper white skin covered the puppet's face with a swirl of red on each cheek. Messy and unruly black hair adorned the puppets head. Below the large red lips and lines where the mouth would move was a bow tie. The puppet remained motionless as it appeared on screen, simply staring at Sazh.

"Well, what do you want with me, you freak?"

The puppet remained unresponsive for a few moments, before the mouth began to move. Slightly off timed, a rough coarse voice echoed around Sazh.

"I want to play a game, Mr. Katzroy."

Sazh banged his head against the back of the chair. How gullible! How could he not see that the message he received was just some stupid fake e-mail sent by some creepy puppet-loving freak?

But, he wasn't going anywhere like this. He'd just have to ride things out and escape when the chance arrives.

"So, what are the prizes?"

After Sazh spoke, the beam of light revealing the puppet on the tv disappeared, and Sazh was back in the darkness.

"Well, audience, you heard him! What are the prizes?"

Sazh could hear a voice from somewhere, and suddenly a series of levers were pulled. Scorching bright light filled his eyes. Upon opening, he could see that the room was entirely lit. The room was _massive_. What seemed like thousands of people packed into rows of stadium seating surrounded an oval where Sazh sat.

"Love!" the crowd shouted in response.

A door away from Sazh opened, and a tall man in fancy clothing and a long cloak walked out. Brushing a few locks of jet black hair away from his piercing gray eyes, he walked towards Sazh with a microphone in hand.

With a snap of his gloved fingers, the crowd silenced. Sazh could feel everyone's eyes on him. Still restrained to the chair, Sazh struggled and fidgeted around in a vain attempt to escape. The man walked up to him and nodded, a small smirk on his face.

"My name is Cid Raines, Mr. Kaztroy, and you're on the hit television show—what's the name audience?"

"Old, Alone, and Loveless!" the crowd roared and cheered, and Sazh wished that he could die.

Sazh rolled his eyes and grunted. Being right after all, Sazh now wished that he had deleted the message when he had the chance. Screw the 10,000 gil, the embarrassment would kill him!

"W-what do you want from me!"

Cid smirked again and moved away from Sazh. Striding over towards a floating platform above the white tiled floor, Cid stood on the platform, floating above Sazh so he could speak to the entire crowd in the stadium.

"Well, Mr. Kaztroy, your friends at the Love TV network know that you're old, and soon you'll be making that final goodbye to the world. We wish to provide you wish one last shot of love! We want you to achieve that last final fantasy you've been desiring! With our help, you'll be leaving the studio tonight with one of our beautiful contestants!"

Sazh sighed. He was really getting tired of these insults. He was old, so what? It's helpless to change your age.

"But first, my co-host Rygdea will bring out our live captives!"

Three more floating platforms flew over head, hovering a few feet away from Sazh. On the center platform, Rygdea stood in all black. To his left, Snow was strapped into a chair much like how Sazh is, with the exception that his mouth was covered in a strip of gray duct tape. To his right, Hope was restrained in a similar fashion, but with no duct tape covering his mouth.

"Snow? Hope? What are you doing here?" Sazh yelled out to the two over the roaring crowd.

"I don't know! What about you?" the teen yelled back, struggling through the restraints.

"I don't know!" Sazh replied, his head turned back to Rygdea, who also had a microphone in hand.

With another snap of his fingers, Cid had silenced the crowd yet again. Four large screens appeared in the air, each one showing the same picture of Cid's face except the last screen, focused on Sazh. Cid grinned and put the microphone to his lips.

"Now, for what everyone has been waiting for, Rygdea, bring out our contestants!"

The screens focused on Rygdea once again as the platform flew over to the door on the wall of the stadium. Raising his hand to point at the door, the lights dimmed.

"Our first contestants are two sisters. This pair of pink-haired siblings spell trouble for anyone! Please welcome, Serah and Lightning Farron!"

The door opened, and the two women stepped out and walked towards Rygdea. The screens switched to focus on the two of them, while one of the screens showed Sazh, Snow, and Hope sharing looks of confusion.

Rygdea held up a microphone to to the two of them. While Serah actually looked eager to be on television, Lightning had her face away from the camera, arms across her chest and chin held high.

"So, Serah, you're the younger sibling right?"

"Yup!" she nodded, flashing a bright smile. "Lightning is the older one. She's the grouchier one too!"

The crowd erupted in laughter as Lightning turned to Serah with a scowl on her face.

"So, Lightning, what brings you to the show?"

She sighed and rolled her eyes, taking the microphone from Rygdea's hand.

"Serah _dragged_ me here. She said something about Snow being captured and 10,000 gil."

Putting emphasis on the fact that she didn't really want to be here, the soldier girl leaned up against the side of the stadium wall, a mix of annoyance and boredom emanating from her. Serah on the other hand rushed over to Snow.

"Mpfurah!" Snow said something unintelligible through the duct tape covering his mouth.

Rygdea's moving platform landed next to Serah, the crowd deathly silent.

"Serah, rumor has it that you're engaged to Snow. So why would you be on the show for Sazh?"

With a look of confusion on her face, Serah looked behind Rygdea to see Sazh and Hope restrained in chairs. Giving a wave to the two of them, she turned back to the microphone.

"Oh, well...I'm not here for Sazh. He's old...and...not really my type."

The crowd shouted out a mix of boo's and aww's, which just made Sazh even more depressed. The screens returned to Rygdea, who was ready to announce the next contestant.

"The owner of a popular Bodhum cafe and member of the illustrious Team NORA, we give you Lebreau!"

Sazh sighed. He didn't want all these girls that are half his age! Hell, he didn't even want to be here! Regardless of his wants, the restraints prevented him from leaving. The door swung open and the skimpy clothed woman walked out and stood next to Serah, Lightning, and Rygdea. The screens focused on her, as a microphone was forced in front of her face.

"Now, Lebreau, Sazh hasn't seen much of you. What makes you stand apart from Lightning and Serah?"

"Oh, umm...I'm not really here for the show either. I'm here to get Snow, he's being an idiot again."

Again, the crowd burst into a mix of boo's and aww's, which was quickly quieted by Rygdea.

"Wow, so three of our contestants aren't even here for the show! They want Snow more then Sazh and the 10,000 gil prize! This must make you feel even more old, alone, and loveless, right Sazh?"

Without any time to retaliate to being insulted, _yet again_, the screens went back to Rygdea. He waved a few staff members over to Snow. Being his usual self, he didn't like being stuck in a chair with duct tape over his mouth. Getting rowdier and more obnoxious, Snow didn't see the cattle prod being charged up and pointed at his rear...

Snow was quiet after that.

"Umm, I'm sorry folks. I just got news from the higher ups that our next contestant, Jihl Nabaat will not be here. Despite the fact she's dead, and is deeply hated by Sazh, we're all sure she would have been good competition for the three we have tonight."

Sazh growled and struggled on the chair again.

"You blind? How could you expect that I'd actually want to hook up with that girl! She took my kid away, man! Yet you expect me to sit back idly by and let-"

"Since no one cares what Sazh is saying, lets see our next contestant!"

After Rygdea interrupted Sazh, whose sentence was lost in the screams of the crowd.

"An enemy of Sazh, and the other l'Cie, this woman proved to be more than a nuisance! I give you, the female PSICOM officer!"

The door opened, to reveal a woman clad in barely any armor at all. With tight bright red shorts that looked like they provided no protection, and a simple baton as a weapon, the woman didn't look like a threat behind her black sunglasses and officer cap.

"So, PSICOM Huntress, you appeared on the _Palamecia, _right?"

Rygdea was answered with a simple nod.

"Here's a question: Do you believe that the large stock of manadrives you're issued is to counteract the fact that you're a woman?"

Taking hold of the microphone, and throwing her cap onto the ground to stomp on it, PSICOM Huntress, jabbed Rygdea.

"What does that question have to do with finding my true love?" Sazh said, clearly bored with what's going on.

Before the soldier could answer, Rygdea pushed her out of the way to join the others.

"You're absolutely right! We only have four contestants left! Let's reveal our next two! From the wretched world of Pulse below, these two girls tried to destroy Cocoon before. One of them is wild and sexy while the other is sweet and innocent, and as an added bonus, they come bundled up together! Win two for the price of one, I give you, Fang and Vanille!"

All the men began to whistle in the crowd when the two opened the door and walked towards Rygdea. Quite pleased with the reaction, Fang raised her hands in the air, demanding more praise.

"Come on! We all know you bloody well want me!"

Rygdea laughed and silenced Fang and crowd. With the screens focused on Fang, Vanille, and Rygdea, microphones were given to women.

"So, rumor has it that you, Fang, and you, Vanille, are in fact lesbian lovers. In your opinion, Vanille, do you feel that this will hurt your chances to fall in love with Sazh. Of course, since he's biologically double your age, and a guy, things don't seem appealing right now. But, you can get 10,000 gil! Along with that, you'd be helping out the only black guy on Cocoon and Pulse. He's got a son and that boy needs a mommy!"

Vanille blushed, noticing the cameras on her.

"Well, we're not really here for the contest either." Vanille winced, feeling like she hurt Sazh.

"Fang said there'd be free food here...That's why we came. I'm sorry Sazh!"

Vanille and Fang went back in line with the other contestants, who by now were looking quite bored. Feeling agitated, Lightning began to bang her head against the wall.

"Can we hurry it up already? A new episode of Cocoon Idol is on tonight!" someone from the crowd yelled.

The stadium was filled with the crowd's random chatter. It seemed that everyone didn't really want to be here. Sazh sat by, tapping his fingers against the arm of the chair.

"Our next contestant, a woman who was lazily programmed to have many copies of herself. You've probably seen her one time or another. Please welcome, Generic Girl #24!"

Dressed in a simple t-shirt and jeans, the blonde strode through the door. Rygdea came next to her, and Sazh shuddered at the thought of what his question would be.

"Well, since we all know that there is so many of you throughout Cocoon, #24, what makes you stand out amongst the rest?"

With microphone in hand and camera zoomed in on her, #24 pointed at her attire.

"Well, Rygdea, besides my different outfit, there's something else that will give me the edge over the competition."

"Wow, but before you reveal your secret, why did you want to compete for Sazh?"

With the screen shifting back to a bored Sazh, a sleeping Snow, and Hope, #24 walked up to Sazh sitting in the chair.

"I have such a minor role in life! I feel that I win this competition, that my life will gain some means of importance!"

Sazh scoffed at her, a microphone going to his mouth.

"What makes you think that I'll want you?"

#24 smiled at Sazh, leaning in real close.

"I have no gag reflex."

The crowd erupted into loud cheers and whistles. After several minutes, and a few security calls and cattle prods, Rygdea had everyone under control.

"That's certainly a surprise, #24! Now, for our final contestant! If you haven't changed the channel by now (Or stopped reading.) then be ready for our mystery contestant!"

Rygdea cleared his voice and the lights dimmed.

"Weighing it at 120 lbs and going down, this woman is coming back from the dead to reclaim her title as world's hottest mom. I give you, Nora Estheim!"

The door opened to reveal a lightly green woman. Limping out, the cameras zoomed in on her decaying flesh and broken jaw. Bits and pieces of bone were visible and sticking out, while clothes were ripped and torn.

"Mom?" the cameras switched to a surprised Hope, mouth agape.

Nora sauntered over to Rygdea, a trail of ooze behind her.

"So, Nora, whats your opinion about this contest?"

Nora simply groaned like a zombie, mostly because she was a zombie. While Hope was busy freaking out, no one else was surprised. Seeing a zombie isn't as exciting nowadays.

Rygdea coughed and flew up on his floating platform to meet back with Cid Raines.

"Well, there you have it! All of our contestants, looking for love with our bachelor, Sazh! While The Farron Sisters, Lebreau, Fang and Vanille, and Jihl are all rather uninterested or dead, we still have a few excited contestants! Who will it be, Sazh? Generic Girl #24? The female PSICOM soldier? Or will it be Nora Estheim, who returned from the world of the dead just for this special event?"

All the cameras were now focused on Sazh, who felt nervous and embarrassed once again.

"A-and...What if I say no?"

Cid and Rygdea laughed together.

"If you say no, we'll simply shave your son's afro."

The screen switched to a picture of Dajh strapped down into a chair next to a burly looking man with a shaver.

"No! Anything but that! Please!" Sazh pleaded, but was only answered with nods of disagreement.

"Choose, Mr. Katzroy, or you won't get your 10,000 gil."

After taking a few moments to think things over, Sazh finally made his decision.

"I'll choose Nora Estheim!"

Cheers and clapping from the crowd surrounded Sazh, as balloons and confetti rained down.

"Tell us Sazh, why did you choose Nora Estheim?"

Sazh grinned when Nora limped over to him, her arm falling off along the way.

"Well I chose her because I knew once she looked into my eyes, she be-"

"Folks, we are all out of time!"

Cid and Rygdea interrupted Sazh, the crowd began to cheer.

"We're done here, bring out the dancing lobsters!"

N

Sazh jumped onto his feet, boots hitting the hard Pulsian rock. Waking up, he could see the others around him asleep. Calming his beating heart while his breath returned to normal, Sazh was completely tired. He's had strange dreams before, but this one took the cake.

Putting his palm over his face, Sazh sighed.

"I gotta lay off the cactuar juice."


End file.
